Why Can't I Get Out of Bed: Emotional Despair & Mental Illness
- Jan 8, 2019
- 6 min read
I've always been a perfectionist; this is both a good and bad thing to embody. Anything that I've ever strived for, I accomplished. Whatever goals I set for myself I achieved. When I wanted to be skinny, I became the perfect anorexic. When I wanted to meet hot rock n' rollers, I became the perfect partier. When I wanted to cheer as a Ram or Raiderette, I became the perfect rah-rah manipulator. And when I wanted to get a doctorate, I became the perfect student.
SO WHY CAN'T I GET OUT OF BED?
It is great to set goals and accomplish them, however, being a perfectionist, often the goals achieved weren’t necessarily good for me. Go back and look at the accomplishments I stated above. The only positive side to any of my achievements is that I achieved them. But even being a perfect student in that setting was not conducive to an emotional well-being or positive frame of mind.
The downside to perfectionism it seems, is that when the goals are gone and there's nothing left to improve upon life can become stagnant (stuck in the mud) or even worse hitting FAILURE! Growing up, nobody ever taught me about failure. I learned early on that failure was forgettable. I had never failed at anything, so why learn about it?
The truth is, I had many failures in life, but I coped with them by running away. The first time I had ever got a "bad" grade was in the 3rd grade when I received an "C" in violin. My mother did not scold me or yell, she didn't even lecture me. It was the look on her face: that part of her lip that tweaked to the side which I perceived as "Oh my God, you're a fucking loser!" I don't know why I felt that way at that time (feelings is a topic for the next time), but I did. Even though my mom was not mad at me she didn't encourage me either, so I just quit. It was more important for me to have a report card that had all A's (even though at age 8 it had no bearing on college) rather than to move forward little by little and improve no matter what the grade. In fact, to this day that is one of my greatest regrets I have: quitting the violin.
IS THAT WHY I CAN'T I GET OUT OF BED?
Well, that is only part of it. When we are young we don't know what we want in life, but what we do know is what we like and what we don't like. This is discovered mostly in play. Usually what we engage in during academic play is more than likely what is going to make us happy in our adult life. I always remember singing, dancing, and acting out commercials. This was evidenced later in life by singing in the school choir, dancing, and cheering. Nothing was more spectacular than when I was actively involved in these activities. But did I get the support I needed to continue down this road of life? The answer is unequivocally NO.
Support is necessary as we are growing in our formidable years. First, we need it from our family with unconditional love. We then need it from our friends, teachers, and significant others, which can include community and relatives. When we do not get our emotional needs met, we may and often fall into a deep hole of what I call the Three Deadly D’s: dissatisfaction, doubt and despair (Martin, 2016).
The Three Deadly D’s:
Dissatisfaction: Careers that have left us bored, unfulfilled, and unhappy.
Doubt: Fear and anxiety of the choices that have been made along with unanswered questions. Why am I here? What am I doing? Where am I going? How do I get out?
Despair: Feeling unworthy, unloved, and hopeless.
Yes, in some form or another this is why…
I CAN'T I GET OUT OF BED
Whether you are diagnosed with a mental illness or not, that feeling of not being able to get up and out of your bed is overwhelming. For most of us, we have much to be thankful for or even happy about, yet that ‘logical’ intelligence cannot surpass the ‘emotional’ overwhelming feeling of depression. It is difficult to explain and even more difficult to understand.
I will try to do my best to convey what it means to me:
When someone in my family has been diagnosed with cancer (and there have been many), the first reaction I’ve had is a huge gasp of frightening air coupled with the thought “Oh my God! What am I gonna do,” followed by uncontrollable sobbing. Essentially, there is really nothing I can do except hope and pray which doesn’t really work because I have so much fear and doubt. Ultimately, it is up to my loved one to decide how to challenge the disease and then I follow their lead.
Mental illness is like this feeling in my opinion. Nobody can really help me until I help myself, and the waiting time for loved ones I’m sure is insurmountable. But nonetheless, it is my challenge, journey, quest, jinx or whatever label you want to call it.
After Christmas Day, I spent about a week in bed: I didn’t shower, comb my hair, I don’t even remember if I brushed my teeth. All I did was use the bathroom, feed my dog, let him out the back door and either sleep or watch TV. Before I knew it, five days had gone by. Luckily for my husband, we had a previously planned trip to Vegas. (Don’t think I had a million excuses running through my head to get out of going). Even though I did spend one whole day in bed on our trip, it at least got me out into fresh air.
HOW TO GET OUT OF BED
I want to preface this by saying that the suggestions I give are not full proof and they are in no way a substitute for medical or psychiatric care. I have a Doctor of Philosophy and I do not have a license to study, prescribe, or dictate medical or psychiatric advice. If you feel suicidal or have homicidal thoughts call 911 or use any of the links below to get licensed medical or psychiatric care.
These suggestions are not in any order but can be done interchangeably and if one idea does not work, try another until you can get out of your bed for at least 15 minutes.
Plan an interactive vacation such as an amusement park or some variation where the atmosphere is loud and exciting.
Take a shower for at least 5 minutes with loud, uplifting music. (Sorry, Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper your amazing soundtrack will have to be forfeited for this project)
If you cannot make it to the shower, then in bed write the alphabet with you your ankles one at a time, then write them in the air with your wrists.
Turn off depressing TV. Anything that contains bickering, murders, or continuous negative energy will only justify why you are in bed and then manifest itself further. Rather, opt for comedies or film that will make you laugh, laugh, laugh.
Find a 5-minute visualization meditation and do it while looking up and smiling. Think of your happy place. For me it’s the beach, Disneyland, Las Vegas, the Rose Bowl tailgates.
On your way to the bathroom, write one thing your thankful for using a white board marker on your mirror and add to it as often as possible.
Every 3-5 years our bodies change so if you are on medication for depression or anxiety and it doesn’t seem to be effective, make an appointment with your doctor. (This might mean a close loved-one will have to make the appointment for you and drive you there as well). If you are not on any medication, it is important to consider getting on some form of medication as you would if you had cancer, diabetes, or heart disease.
Once you get out of bed try to commit to 15 minutes of walking or going to the gym 3-4 times a week. Finally, even in bed you can drink lots and lots of water! Not only is it good for your dehydration it will make you get out of bed to use the bathroom more often!
Next week we will discuss more about the emotional upheaval of life and what to do if you don’t have the support that is necessary to help you thrive. Until then, laugh your way into life.
The suggestions enclosed are those of the authors and are not full proof and they are in no way a substitute for medical or psychiatric care. Neither Dr. Martin, Dr. Bliss or affiliates support the use of these strategies alone. Dr. Martin is a PhD and does not have a license to study, prescribe, or dictate medical or psychiatric advice. If you feel suicidal or have homicidal thoughts call 911 or use any of the links below to get licensed medical or psychiatric care.
If you or someone you know is in suicidal crisis contact:
National Center for Suicide Prevention
1.800.273.8255
If you or someone you know are having homicidal ideation contact:
If you think you or someone you know might have a mental illness and you need help contact one or more of the following:
Mental Health America
Casa Palmera – Del Mar (San Diego) California
https://casapalmera.com/
Mental Help.net
https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/depression-hotline/
or call 1.866.295.8541
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