Family: Is it Better to have Loved and Lost or not at all?

Growing up, family was the most important part of living and having a happy life. I was surrounded by a plethora of cousins, aunts, uncles at holidays and special occasions. At a very young age the feelings that I had playing with my cousins was very different than my friendships. I cannot really describe it other than that intrinsic blood line. It was that “knowing” that I had love for this person that was not experienced with my schoolmates or neighborhood pals. I loved my cousins on both sides and I was most happy when spending time with them.

My husband on the other hand, had no cousins, uncles, aunts or even siblings. He essentially grew up an only child with his mom who worked hard, never missing a day; his much older siblings off to live with dad or already in college. They did not have big family gatherings for any occasion and holidays were simple and some might call barren. I used to tell him how sad it was that he had no cousins growing up.

---

Fast forward ten years. Most of my older cousins were off to college while the rest of us were in middle school or high school. Family gatherings were now once a year at Christmas, if that. Everyone was pretty much doing their own thing with friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, school or work commitments.

I do recall one such day that tore our family apart. One cousin referred to another cousin as a “time bomb ready to explode.” Not sure what instigated that remark, but I do remember all hell breaking loose. Quickly family members sided with other family members and I too, held firmly to my belief of who was to blame and whose side I was on.

Our family, now fractured, was never healed because of a seemingly insignificant comment by a then immature and probably jealous relative. Had the adults, I use that term loosely, (i.e., aunts and uncles, in other words, siblings) in this scenario left this kerfuffle to the younger adults to resolve, maybe we would have had a chance to become whole again. There is no happy ending here, the family 40 years later are still at war. Three siblings on one side and two on the other. Both parents and one other sibling now in Heaven, could not even mend this family back together. They cling on to being “right” like it was their last breath, each insisting that they don’t care, and they are happier without them.

Meanwhile, my husband’s experience ten years later, continued with the same consistency as before. No family, just he and his mom spending quiet times together. Now in high school his world included some friends, maybe even a girlfriend or two, and work. He had aspirations of college and the good life afforded by an education. No kerfuffle, picking sides, or self-righteousness. Yes, maybe his life was barren as opposed to some peoples’ lives, but simple and steady nonetheless.

---

As my siblings and I began our own families, it was eerily synonymous to our childhood experiences. Every holiday and special occasion (and there were many) were spent together in family bliss. Then one day the kids grew up. Basically, the same story unfolds: A rift between two siblings became melodrama and people began picking sides. Only this time I was the target and the one to blame for the demise of the family.

Meanwhile, my husband’s experience 20 years later, continued with the same consistency as before. Now with children of his own and his mom spending quiet times together.

Being blamed for the ruin of a family unit is a feeling that I have never experienced. I have been humiliated in middle school bullied and outcast, I spent most of my recess time hiding in the girls’ bathroom crying. I have been back-stabbed by fake friends and colleagues after 22 years of teaching side by side with them only to be forced into semi-retirement, and I have been blamed for all my wrong doing growing up because of my mental illness. So, to sum it up, I guess it feels like all of those together at the same time.

Now, my husband of 20 years continues with the same consistency as before. He visits family and their time spent together is fun and meaningful. Unfortunately, he is now a part of my family drama and is forced into a new set of circumstances that is unfamiliar to him, as well as uncomfortable as his wife is being bullied by her own family. He is forced to pick a side and is usually unsuccessful at making me feel better or helping me move past it.

Presently without my childhood family, I find myself lost and confused not to mentioned hurt and abandoned. What I have learned is that my over sensitivity and my over the top emotional state does nothing for my well-being. However, if I look at my family pragmatically, and delete the sentiments, I can ask myself this question: “Does this person enhance my life or not?” If the answer is “NO,” then I lovingly let it go.

So, again I ask the question: When it comes to family….Is it better to have loved and lost? Or is it better to have not loved at all?

Dr. Blissful is a freelance writer and author