The Joys of Being Sloppy Seconds: 3 Ways to Embrace the Process
- Apr 20, 2021
- 6 min read
Having a broken heart is probably one of the three worst emotions one could ever experience, right behind death and terminal illness or calamity. What is it about a broken heart that is so unbearable? Is it really the pain of losing the one you love? Or is it the realization that you are just not good enough. OOOh…did I hit a nerve? I know I did. It is that feeling of being a sloppy second.
Sloppy seconds have been portrayed in almost every love story, from When Harry Met Sally to A Star is Born. Sometimes when someone rejects us, we have the opportunity to open our heart to someone new, or someone who has been right in front of us our whole adult lives. Sometimes, sloppy seconds means competing with an addiction and never knowing that the one we love, is willing to change. And sometimes sloppy seconds means never living up to the stature of a child; the child that your partner has put before anyone else in the world.
When you are in a relationship with someone who has a child, it is customary to come in second place in terms of needs, care, and unconditional love. You hang in there through support, understanding, and patience as your significant other continually takes their child’s position over you. Then as the child graduates from college, moves away, and has monetary independence, you silently cheer. Your significant other knows that their commitment in putting their child first, has blossomed success.
But what happens when you still come in last place? What do you do when you realize that you will always be second fiddle? You are plain and simply: SLOPPY SECONDS!!!
While I always knew I was sloppy seconds, I naïvely thought that once his child was safely procured, I could be the center of attention, at least for a minute. I was wrong.
I think in most relationships a spouse can have a healthy perspective, most of the time, especially when their child, in the teenage years, goes astray. Cheating, stealing, bad friends, are some of the cards that we are dealt when raising teenagers. Making excuses time and time again for that child, in my opinion, are not healthy perspectives, and definitely impede marital bliss especially when that blame turns towards you and somehow everything is ultimately your fault. When bad choices continue and the constant scrutiny becomes unbearable, you wonder: "Why can't I leave?"
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Eventually, you may turn to counseling, or even admit yourself into *Casa Palmera, your other children move away because they can no longer tolerate the comparisons, and yet here you stay. You stay because now you are programmed, immobilized by fear, it is too scary to do anything else.
I know the pain I felt in my heart the day I realized I succumbed to second place and it was mind-numbing. How can that be? Your heart is pounding with fear, yet your mind is blank, and you cannot grasp the magnitude of pain that envelops your being, nor the understanding of how this situation came to fruition. No amount of beauty, or thinness, or degrees, or even money can dispel that feeling of despair.
The day after my heart was broken, it transformed into a hit nerve. Not only was the nerve hit, but it also exploded into a full-blown spasm. It literally came out of nowhere; I bent down to pick something up and suddenly a scream emanated, and I could not move, let alone stand straight. It was a clear sign that my feelings of being sloppy seconds had manifested physically.
Do you stay or do you go?
After a week of vowing to stay silent and purposefully trying to gain some sort of emotional control, I realized that this time of solitude was a blessing. I began to recognize all the things I took for granted. I opened a new path of perspective and began a relationship with myself. I had already renewed my vows to God on Ash Wednesday, but I deepened my love by thanking God for all my blessings. Within a week my anger, hurt, and resentment subsided because I did some self-firsting with God and decided I must love myself first, the way God does; I will never be sloppy seconds with God.
The feeling that you have knowing you are first with yourself and with God allows you the freedom to do exactly what you want, and to ask for what you want, and to accept nothing less. So, if you are feeling like sloppy seconds, here are 3 ways to shift your emotional mindset:
1. Detach and disconnect. Distance yourself from your partner and reflect. Look at yourself in the mirror and feel the pain. Feel all the emotional elements that come with the rejection and let it out. It may take a couple of days, a couple of weeks or even a month. DO NOT contact your partner and try to control them by telling them what they should or should not do. You only have power over yourself. Do everything that you want to do by yourself (with the exception of drinking alcohol, ingesting pills, or any mind-altering substances). This activity needs to be done with a sense of dignity to yourself.
2. Silence is golden. The only one you can trust is God, (Higher Power, Universe, Guardian Angel, Yourself). If you do not have a spiritual affiliation, then journal. Pray. Meditate. Cry. DO NOT pour your anguish on friends, family, strangers, or even **therapists, (If you are in a life-threatening or abusive situation always contact professional help). Your goal is to reflect and only you have the answers in conjunction with your source energy. You will never get to love yourself unless you spend quality time with yourself in solitude.
3. Practice the art of self-firsting. Have you become so entwined with your partner that you have forgotten who you are? Do you even know what you like to do? Rediscover who you are by enjoying the little things in life: Walks, music, dance, singing, playing. DO NOT spend money on extravagance; material objects and outside sources are not going to fuel your inside need for happiness. Everything that you need is right in front of you. Write yourself love notes and post them everywhere. Send yourself a thank you card via snail mail stating all the things you are grateful for. Write three things that you like about yourself on your bathroom mirror or on your computer screen or somewhere where you will view it continuously throughout your day. Finally, forgive yourself for past mistakes and thank God for the experience.
To get back to the question: Do you stay, or do you go? Only you have the answer to that. You and God. If you have taken the time to do the steps indicated above, you will have a clearer vision of what to do and it won’t be fear driven. Once you have invested in your relationship with yourself, you will know what you need. You will never be sloppy seconds with God, and you will never be sloppy seconds with yourself because you are One with God.
Now go out and live your life fearlessly!
My goal is to help people of all races, cultures, ethnicities, genders, allegiances, faiths, and beliefs. And while I believe in deliberate prayer and meditation, abuse in any form, is never acceptable, (i.e., physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual). While I am a victim of abuse and have had personal experiences with depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies, I am not a trained or licensed doctor and the suggestions provided in this blog are meant as a tool to focus on inspiration, improving self-worth, and relationship with a spiritual realm. This blog is not meant to replace sound, medical advise.
* If you are in an abusive relationship, or know someone who is, please seek professional guidance and counseling:
** If you or someone you know is suicidal or homicidal please seek professional help:
Patti Martin, Ph.D. is an educational leader and teacher. She works with anti-bullying campaigns and education in Mindfulness teaching parents and children the art of focused awareness and helping students to concentrate better without the use of medication.
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